Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
