I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize