i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It's never too late to be topless.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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