Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
