I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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