The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Sacagawea was the original milf.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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