she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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