It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
