found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
