dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
