i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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