Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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