Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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