Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
