i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize