It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
