i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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