Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
