If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
