This dress was meant to end up on your floor
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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