that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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