i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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