I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
