JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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