If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
