so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
