SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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