he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
