What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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