I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
