you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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