Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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