I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
