She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
