he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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