I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
