anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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