he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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