I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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