I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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