yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
