the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
