Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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