Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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