I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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