last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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