The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
