well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
