if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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