youre lurking in front of me
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
two words...techno handjob
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
