She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
