i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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