Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
