Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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