It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
