I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
birth control should be required to get into college
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
