i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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