I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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