My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
