i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
