Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
